For the millionth times, I told myself to blog more often. But here I am, about 4 months since my last post, not even sure if I am able to press the PUBLISH button tonight.
If there is one thing I am good at, it is strategizing. I L-O-V-E strategizing. I dig the idea of seeing the bigger pictures, gathering and ensembling all the smallest, tiniest, the most insignificant elements to get THERE. I am all about making things and ‘people’ happen. That's what I used to do for a living; A consultant. I used to run a beauty institute - offering beauty services and conducting training programs while marketing my own spa product line. As an entrepreneur myself, I was an accredited trainer and motivational speaker for aspiring young entrepreneurs. My mission was to guide my clients on how to start and run their business with what limited resources they have and champion obstacles that arise.
And yet, here I am few years later, unable to practice what I preach. How embarrassing. Good thing is I am 16 hours flight away from all my ex-students/participants/clients and there is close to zero chance I run into any of them in the street.
Cutting myself some slacks, I have few disadvantages here and there. My papers are useless in Switzerland, I don't have any professional network/referrals/goodwill, my French is still oh well, stagnant and the weather doesn't always agree with me (cough).
Okay the weather part is an excuse.
This is just my first year as a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) and already sometimes I ask myself if I am still myself. After a full year of dealing with leaked diapers and poop explosions, running about smelling like vomit and sour milk, frantically trying my best to ensure all my baby's needs are fulfilled 24/7 even before mine (and the list goes on and on), I wonder if I still can carry a formal conversation with another adult.
Not mentioning my non-existent social life. Unless you count entertaining friends/family at the dinner table as one (I don’t).
Regardless how dreamy this may sound, I intend to get my ass back out there someday so as much as one has the right to dream, this mama gotta keep her mojo going. As for now, the only way so is by cultivating discipline in blogging - probably my only 'work' commitment other than my roles as a mother and a homemaker. And yet... I cant even catch up.
What happened to strategizing, Deza?
Frankly I thought mother-ing a child and running a household while maintaining a blog is going to be fairly doable. Man, I was wrong. One just can't strategize with a baby. NOPE, that's for sure. Mission impossible.
Other than that, I present you my reasons/excuses why I haven’t been taking my ‘mom-blogger’ title seriously.
Firstly, my marriage ALWAYS comes first; by means I go to bed at the same time with the husband every single night so no late night blogging and no negotiating on that. Period. (plus, this mama is also exhausted).
Secondly, I barely have time for myself on my own; I can't even shower in peace, I had to carry our big suitcase into the bathroom every single time which acts a protective barrier so my son cant give me a heart attack due to sudden drop of water temperature.
And thirdly, whatever time I have for myself (which is randomly between 60-90 minutes daily during his afternoon nap), I rather sit down do NOTHING.
Don't get me wrong. By all honesty, I ENJOY MOTHERHOOD. I have the most adorable little boy in the world and I am all teared up at the moment just thinking about how wonderful he is. The truth is I have already resigned to my role as a full-time mother way before he was born and I wholeheartedly intend to dedicate at least the first 5 years for my child, for my husband, for my wonderful little family.
For my wonderful little family..
Aaah don't you just love the sound of it? One of life’s greatest gifts, it sure is.
On a different note, I’d like to hereby share with you two screenshots of my private blog, the first being from 5 years ago.
Excuse my fancy vocab. If you are shocked, you haven't read me 12 years ago, being a fresh (and frustrated) university graduate trying to land into her dream job.
You have been warned.
My point is: exactly why I need to keep on blogging. This core being right here is still and will always be my BEST and GREATEST teacher by simply reminding my future self of who I was, where I came from and who I really am down to the deepest core - despite all the life changes, the people/things I’ve lost and gained along the way, and despite all the hours spent on comforting and putting my baby to sleep, playing peekaboos and what’s not.
And despite what anyone may say or think.