In the next life, maybe

May 8, 2019

We were spending the weekend with some friends at their mountain chalet when it begun. I was in excruciating pain, drenched in cold sweat, toes curled involuntarily. I alerted my husband, whom then instinctively drove us home straight away.


The pain eased down in the car on the way home, although I was still sweating cold. At that stage, it hasn't occurred to me that I was miscarrying. In fact, it didnt cross my mind at all. Despite all the progesteron tablets, two different kinds of antibiotic pills and Vitamin D drops my gynae prescribed to me a day prior.


"You have an infection but it can be treated" she said unconcerned.


I finally understood what was happening as soon as we arrived home. My body has ejected the most significant proof of life my womb has nurtured for the past several weeks - right into the toilet bowl. 


Sparing you the gory details, this is my miscarriage story and I am here to share it with you readers. 


The irony is that just a day before, my husband and I lovingly embraced each other watching our baby's flickering heartbeat for the first time at our gynaecologist office. 


Less than 24 hours later, we both exchanged heavy consolidatory hugs at our home, witnessed by our dearest son. That evening saw us crying, talking, laughing and crying together again and hugging each other tight while dancing to our favourite playlist all at the same time. 


"It wasn't meant to be" was our mantra for that night. I guess we repeated it enough times to truly believe in it by the end of the night.


By all honesty, I accepted our loss quite ungrudgingly, especially it was a relatively difficult pregnancy since the beginning. From the more common symptoms - sharp stabbing pain on the lower back, sciatica originating from the sitting bone down to the calf, random jolting shoulder joint pain that woke me up even in my deepest sleep to the more uncanny ones; icy cold sensation on one side of my torso and sometimes I wonder if my mind is playing tricks on me that my lips tasted sweet and my expelled breath through the nose felt minty. Things like this drive one crazy I tell you. 


 Those were the difficult times: easing down lower back pain with Swiss ball exercise 


My body on the other hand couldn't deal with the mishap as readily. Following the miscarriage, it felt as if it has been into a fight and was badly beaten up. I was physically spent and totally sore all over. My hormones were literally everywhere, my emotions were all over the places. I was so annoyed and frustrated to no longer be pregnant and yet still deal with pregnancy symptoms, which were not pleasant to begin with. Nausea, headaches and all that dramas. Not mentioning an inflated belly that still screams for food at 1 o'clock in the morning. 


As if it all weren’t dire enough, my follow up checkup revealed that my blood pressure has shot up when low reading has always been my normal and my glucose level went over the border for the very first time, unmistakably stress-induced.  My body took at least two weeks to be totally "unpregnanted" and it took me several weeks to feel physically well again. As of now, about two months later, I am as good as new, if not better. 


The only thing is that I still feel sorry for that little life that didn't make it through. There is so much love in our home, between us three and God knows how much more we can give. I am so sorry you couldn't be part of our beautiful loving family. 


Maybe in the next life my little angel. 

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